The Day God Stopped Talking To Me
God lovingly qualifies—even His depressed missionaries
Hello new subs!! I just want to extend a warm welcome to you!! There are some Latter-Day Saint lingo in here that could be unfamiliar so I will try to define them on my footnotes. So look at the definitions if your mind starts going huh? Thanks for subscribing! If you decide to unsubscribe after reading this, there will be no hard feelings. Sort of. (;
Timeline check: A couple of months after my mission, this happened!
Hi. My name is Jae.
Ever since I was like 5 or 6ish, my biggest dream was to serve a full-time mission1 for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
I remember two sister missionaries would always come over to visit our tiny home in the Philippines and I was obsessed with one of them. I thought WOW, SHE IS SO KIND AND FRIENDLY AND FUNNY AND WAIT IS SHE GLOWING? My home and family were filled with extra happiness and love whenever they came over.
Then, I remember pointing to the sister missionary’s name tag and asked why they wore it all the time. She talked about Jesus and how Heavenly Father called her to share The Book of Mormon with other people who may not know about it. My eyes sparkled. I wanted that name tag SO badly. They were cooler than Santa Clause. This was my calling and no one can stop me, I thought.
Fast forward, fifteen years later.
I was called to serve in Las Vegas West mission! I was so excited I could puke. In a good way.
Fast forward again; near the end of my mission, I was starting to feel like I could not connect deeply with others. I could not feel God’s warm spirit the way I usually do. I was starting to feel like God was not talking to me anymore. Here’s a dialogue for a dramatic elaboration.
🦄
I kneeled down to pray.
“Father, please help me connect with the people we meet. Please help me to connect deeply with them. To understand them in a deep way. I know I may not understand them perfectly, but I want to FEEL deeply.”
I kid you not, after this prayer, I felt nothing. I’ve been struggling to feel God with me for several weeks or more, which led me to kneel and pray about this very issue. And after everything I was trying to do to feel God, I felt NOTHING.
So after that prayer, I started to pack my bags, LOL.
Two of my companions2 tried to stop me.
“Sister, what are you doing?”
“I’m going home! I’ve been asking God to help me and He’s not helping me. I can’t feel Him and He’s not talking to me. I’m going home!”
“Sister, please. Let’s talk. You know He’s there.”
“I HAVE been talking. I’ve been TALKING to Him. We do it every single day. I read my scriptures. Say my prayers. Teach. I do everything I’m supposed to do. I FEEL NOTHING.”
I cried. I screamed. I was SO angry. I was like a big baby throwing the biggest tantrum.
Our mission leader came and helped calm the situation. My sister companions hugged me and I had a lot of things to think about after that.
I couldn’t tell you the details after that situation because I don’t remember, lol. However, I can tell you that I had many interactions and conversations throughout my mission that helped me understand that God knew I was going to kneel down and say that prayer.
He knew I was going to kneel down, in desperate plea for some superhuman compassion and connection I knew nothing about.
Heavenly Father knew that I wanted to cry with those who struggled. I wanted to not be afraid of sharing my true feelings with anyone. I wanted to understand my feelings. And as a missionary I wanted to effectively comfort others, but it didn’t feel like I was experiencing that because I couldn’t seem to “mourn with those that mourn”3 when they may have needed me, (even my companions). Not that it was my responsibility, but I knew personally, and it was obvious to me that my disciple heart needed some work. I wanted that work, whatever it was.
I saw paintings of Jesus crying with afflicted men and women all the time. It was as if they had deep conversations of struggle and they understood one another without saying anything. Maybe they did say something. Maybe these people who were suffering talked with Jesus for hours on end. Deep connection, an understanding, a great compassion for others—these words were in my mind and tapping into my spirit.
And because He knew I was going to ask for this deep treasure,
He allowed me (and knew it was the perfect time for me) to experience depression.
(He allowed it for reasons I know now and will tell you another time, haha.) I felt so disconnected with God that I could not feel Him in any ‘spiritual’ thing I did. I felt too anxious and I would cry in the most random moments of my mission. I felt so empty and had this strange hollow grief sitting on my chest all the time. The best part was that I didn’t even have a word for what I was going through—mostly because I didn’t know what depression was!
I asked for superhuman empathy on my mission,
and God gave me a deep understanding of grief
that led me to beautifully connect with those that knew a similar grief, after my mission. I made deeper connections, I started to cry with those who cried, my disciple heart felt bigger and it felt heavier.
So, don’t let the darkness tell you that depression disqualifies you from doing the Lord’s work because I hope you know that if there is anyone who can perfectly help you with sharing His ministry, it would be the man of sorrows, acquainted with grief4—
3 He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
4 ¶ Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted.
5 But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.
This video above shares one of my favorite stories (made into a song) about a man and prophet named Enos in The Book of Mormon, who cried to God about the deepest troubles of his heart. Here are some of Enos’ words.5
4 And my soul hungered; and I kneeled down before my Maker, and I cried unto him in mighty prayer and supplication for mine own soul; and all the day long did I cry unto him; yea, and when the night came I did still raise my voice high that it reached the heavens.
What about you? What part of my story resonated?
Have you ever experienced something in your life that God prepared you for?
If you’re feeling up to it, please don’t hesitate to share. 🥹🫶🏼
If you liked this post, you may enjoy these too!! ☕️ 💌
In The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, 18 year old boys and 19 year old girls have the opportunity to serve a full-time mission where they dedicate 18 months (girls) to 2 years (boys) of usually living away from home and work voluntarily for a minimum of 40 hours per week, in a place where our beloved Prophet calls them to serve, through guidance and inspiration from God. They share the gospel of Jesus Christ from The Book of Mormon, (which serves as a companion to the KJV Bible).
On your full-time mission, you are assigned to serve with companions (usually one companion, sometimes two more). They are usually called “Sister” or “Elder” following their last name. I was called Sister Calda for 18 months! ^_^
A promise we make with God in baptism, to be a disciple of Jesus Christ by practicing compassion for those who struggle. “Mourn with those that mourn” comes from Mosiah 18:3.
Sometimes, the heavens seem like brass. But brass still makes a beautiful tone when we keep rhythmically tapping. It is up to us to trust and keep tapping while Father allows us to grow. It's not easy, but we end up making beautiful music.
Love this Jae, thank you for sharing ❤️ so relatable and so hard when we are in those spaces!!!!!!!!!