Depression & Pride

Jesus Christ is in the midst of our mental and emotional challenges.

Children of Light by Anne Marie Oborn

I was wondering what I could write about for my next publish, and while I was reading

Scott Livingston

’s new post about finding joy in daily repentance (through the legendary and comical Jane Austen stories) I started to think about how flawed all of us can be. . .and because I know myself best—I felt incredibly inadequate, which is natural. I try not to dwell in feeling unworthy or worthless though, and what changed this for me is acting on an invitation shared from Scott’s post.

To ask myself, “What is keeping me from progressing?”
and so I prayed and I did ask the Father.

The word Pride came to my head faster than I expected. I was shocked. Seriously. I thought, “Me? Pride? I don’t know, I kinda feel like I’m more humble than most people.” LOL - looking back now, my reaction probably was my first giveaway. But I really thought about it. How was pride showing up in my life and how exactly did that look like for me?

So, of course. I sat there and read definitions of this dreadful p word. And I ended up stumbling on an article that felt like a pie to my face. Not a tasty pie either. Now before I share what I learned from this humbling article, I wanted to let you know what pride looked like from my perspective.

Here’s a list because I like lists.

Pride, according to Jae . . .
Arrogant
Selfish
Angry
Easily Provoked
Disagreeable
Rude, Disrespectful

Pride scenario, according to Jae . . .
*I think of a fancy dressed woman absolutely full of herself. She’s wearing an exaggerated royal wig and a big puffy dress, holding a tea cup whilst ugly laughing about something frivolous and condescending with her other snotty friends, and dare I say they had A LOT of food on the table that they mostly threw at the “poor” people staring out their window*

And who am I in this scenario you may ask? The poor person staring out their window. Sounds a little victimized and dramatic, right? I even thought about the dirt on my face and unpleasant, scrappy clothes. I think you get the full picture.

I grew up being involved in many circumstances where we were looked down on (including my immediate family). Each of my family members (including me) are having our fair share of recovering from what we went through. And this isn’t me trying to wave the flag of “hey, look at me, poor poor me.” Each of our recovery looks different.

Fireside by Mike Moyers

What’s hard is when past experiences mix in with mental health challenges—this is when it becomes hard to manage. It feels nearly impossible many times to not feel like a victim when triggers come up, and sometimes it feels like the whole world is against me despite singing the hymn “Count Your Blessings” in the chapel. I would get so frustrated by and how people use their agency that my unconscious doing of unrighteous judgment takes over. Then I learn how our Father in Heaven teaches us the importance of honoring other people’s agency and that the Lord, somehow (unexpectedly, and always in His perfect timing), promises every thing will work out in return.

I get upset by how I interact with others “imperfectly” or how I could possibly be not showing up for others the way I should. I feel so stressed and sick to my stomach sometimes when I think too much about what other people think of me. I try to please people at the cost of my depression and anxiety—and doing so only fuels the angry, misunderstood dragon inside me—of how much, how desperately, I want to feel seen and not be left alone or abandoned because I did or said something wrong. I’m the victim and everyone else is the bad guy. Me. Me. Me. There is something wrong with me. These thoughts can be ridiculously incessant and harmful to our bodies—that’s why it’s an illness. And I really, really hate it.

37 And now, my beloved brethren, I desire that ye should remember these things, and that ye should ^awork out your salvation with fear before God, and that ye should no more deny the coming of Christ;

38 That ye ^acontend no more against the Holy Ghost, but that ye receive it, and take upon you the ^bname of Christ; that ye humble yourselves even to the dust, and ^cworship God, in whatsoever place ye may be in, in spirit and in truth; and that ye live in ^dthanksgiving daily, for the many ^emercies and blessings which he doth bestow upon you.

39 Yea, and I also ^aexhort you, my brethren, that ye be ^bwatchful unto prayer continually, that ye may not be led away by the ^ctemptations of the devil, that he may not overpower you, that ye may not become his subjects at the last day; for behold, he rewardeth you ^dno good thing.

40 And now my beloved brethren, I would exhort you to have ^apatience, and that ye bear with all manner of ^bafflictions; that ye do not ^crevile against those who do cast you out because of your ^dexceeding poverty, lest ye become sinners like unto them;

41 But that ye have ^apatience, and bear with those ^bafflictions, with a firm hope that ye shall one day rest from all your afflictions.

Alma 34

Managing my mental health has improved over years and months when I really take the time to practice therapy work and self-care. I believe that faith in Jesus Christ can still happen when we are able to take care of our bodies according to our needs and mindful daily repentance.

Anyway, the pie-to-my-face article was this—4 Ways What You Think Is Humility Could Actually Be Pride (by Dr. Julie de Azevedo Hanks).

Everything Dr. Julie Hanks mentioned slowly opened my eyes to think that even if I struggle, Jesus can be my strength to become better and better every day…even just a little bit, even in tiny ways others don’t see but He sees.

Our Father in Heaven sees you trying. He sees your effort. He sees that sometimes there are days you want to give up and stop trying. He sees that at times you feel like everything you do (even to the best of your ability) seems unfruitful; a waste.

Emmanuel Christmas Nativity by Emily Shay

However, He remind us the truth of our journey that all our efforts never go to waste and He counts our tears. Our Father in Heaven is kind, merciful, and approachable—I invite you to practice communicating to Him with this thought that He wants you to stay close to Him and hear what you have to say.

I am grateful that we have a God that understands our illnesses. I am grateful we have a God that honors our agency and Who is graceful enough to help us in our growth and progression, no matter how unworthy our attempts feel like.

Moving from an anxiety-inducing, self-deprecating pride is hard, but doing so will help you discover who you are. It is in Jesus that we can find who we really are. It is OUT of pride and in following Jesus that we can have the GREATEST JOY. Even the joy of embracing our most authentic, real, raw self—I think of this like the most intimate essence of a mother holding their newborn.

When we recognize our complete dependence on the Lord, “[w]e can be both humble and fearless. We can be both humble and courageous.” Humility doesn’t equal self-deprecation, concern about appearance, worry about others’ salvation, or keeping others happy. Fearless and courageous humility may take the form of accepting genuine compliments and recognizing God’s goodness in you. It may be letting go of how others see you and focusing instead on how God sees you.  It may be turning over responsibility for another’s salvation back to him/her and exercising an increase of faith and trust in God. It may be allowing someone to have negative feelings toward you without losing self-worth. Whatever it is, acknowledge it and find ways to move forward in true humility, back towards Christ.

Dr. Julie de Azevedo Hanks