I Didn't Understand So I Couldn't Forgive
What happened to me when God said I didn't have to understand everything.
⚠️ Trigger warning: brief talk of sexual assault (no heavy details)
Proverbs 3: 5-6
5 ¶ Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
Coming Back & Processing
Hello everyone!! I’m going to be honest, it feels weird to be back from our trip from California. It was a short trip and then we flew back to Utah and had to adjust with a lot of our routines with school, work, etc.
Okay, so, does anyone else here watch The Chosen series?! I know some people who don’t like it or have mixed feelings with it - but personally I really love it! For those of you who don’t know, The Chosen is a show of the life of Jesus Christ and His ministry while on the earth (much of the biblical times).
My husband and I just finished watching the second episode of the fourth season that just came out, and it got me thinking a lot about the relationships I have in my life. The episode’s theme expressed a lot about repenting and forgiveness.
Right now I’m specifically thinking of the certainty that I’m not the only Christian here who has been wronged, or even, done wrong to other people (intentionally or not). To be frank, for me, apologizing and the act of forgiving is still a very difficult concept to grasp.
Why Is It Especially Hard For Me?
Well, I have been sexually assaulted as a child. My parents are separated (and remarried happily now). My siblings and I never really had a stable (in all aspects) home to live in for a long time, because we moved so much (I went to like ten different schools, from grade to high school). So as a kid, to be ripped apart from her devoted, precious friends several times, you can imagine that I have developed separation anxiety like no other—and I’m so good at it that I could put it on my resume. #professional
I honestly could go on and on. I’m sure others have had it more difficult and I’m not here to stay on the victim-mindset for this entire post nor minimize anything I’ve (or anyone else) gone through. I don’t share this for attention or to manipulate others to take pity on me, but to explain why it’s hard for me to release the grip of the anger and deep sadness I’m processing and feeling now—and why the Christlike attribute of forgiving is one of my greatest mental battles.
Because I just don’t understand. I don’t understand why would someone do something so cruel to me as a happy child and shake my whole self-esteem for the rest of my life, for their own selfish desires.
Because I don’t understand why my parents can love each other at the beginning and choose an entirely different way. And for me to have to see and absorb almost the entire thing.
I don’t understand why I just couldn’t stay with my bestest friends, and grow with them for a couple more years, and maybe even graduate with them.
I just don’t understand why I couldn’t just stay in one place.
And in the phase of my life now, I realize that when I don’t understand, I get mad.
And when I try to completely understand everything about a person or situation, and still get absolutely nothing, I get even more mad.
God Thinks A Higher Way
Then I heard Proverbs 3: 5-6 in a different light, from The Chosen (said by the character of Jesus).
“Man makes things harder when they lean on their own understanding.”
Hearing this hit hard. I thought, well okay, so God is definitely trying to tell me something.
Do I not have to understand everything about a situation or someone, to apologize? Do I not have to know every bit of their heart’s intention to forgive?
Do I not have to completely understand everything to have the faith to change my heart? Well, what about my own feelings? My resentment, growing anger, frustration, and petty, provoked feelings about every small thing… Where do they go when I don’t have them anymore? Who would validate them if I don’t hold to them as much as I do now?
I recently posted a Note on here.
I resonate with birds a lot so for my painting, I’ve been seeing my hand holding a tight grip on a bird. Specifically a blue bird with a brown chest (a bird I’ve been seeing a lot lately). I know, poor bird. Sometimes, I let go but there are other times when a disturbing memory comes to visit and I catch the bird and hold on tight again.
…the Savior’s Atonement covers not just sinners but victims. Forgiveness provides release—a doorway out for the injured. It doesn’t mean excusing or condoning the act; it means leaving judgment to the Lord. When we forgive, the Savior relieves us of our burden through His Atonement.1
Trusting in God & Healing Are Connected
It is my testimony that I know in my heart that the Lord cries when I cry. I am also learning that you and I do not need to be afraid of what we don’t understand. We can confront them all, and face each fear by living the covenant path with Jesus Christ.
The Lord didn’t require for us to completely understand everything about a person or situation before we can commit ourselves to following Him and His Gospel.
What He does ask is for us to practice faith and trust in Him. To let go of the grip, because the greatest validation of our greatest trials, our greatest pains and afflictions is our Father in Heaven giving us His Son and our Savior, Jesus Christ.
I’m obviously not the biggest fan of what happened to me growing up, however I do know that the Lord provided grace and treasures for me and my family along the way—and He still does. These treasures were observing loyal friends, new relationships, the opportunity to value education in a greater light and help me psychologically, prepare me for my husband, the strength to ultimately rely on the Lord when my past haunts me,
and now, the courage to follow the Lord when He tells me to write from my heart and soul. For Him, and for me to help you in any way I can through my words and testimony.
Here’s to releasing,
Here’s to surrendering.
Here’s to letting Jesus ‘replace despair with peace and heal us completely.’2
🥹🤲🏼 If you liked this letter, you may like this one too!!
I love this!
For me, my faith is truly the defining feature of my spiritual life. My willingness to trust in Him shapes everything, and I don’t let the trivialities or influences from others shake that belief. I don't base my faith on actions of those around me, especially those who I love, cherish, and respect. Ultimately it is still going to be my decision if I will be faithful.
Yes, life can be challenging, and people still have the power to hurt me. It hurts. It tests my faith. But even in those moments, I strive to remain steadfast, and I believe I am blessed because of it.