Jesus Christ Heals Performance Anxiety

We can experience joy when we are intentional in making and keeping covenants with God.

She Tends to Her Garden by Kenna Elizabeth

How did you like General Conference?!

For those unfamiliar with General Conference—every year, beginning in April and October—our Prophet, President Russel M. Nelson, Apostles, and other church leaders share divinely inspired talks.

I’m going to be honest and say that weeks before watching conference, I’ve been feeling lost and empty. Living the Gospel since I was a young child made me feel like the good things I was doing became empty habits as an adult. My parents told me reading the scriptures, praying day, night, and before every meal were good things to do because it shows respect to God. But I feel impressed to share how essential it is to take a step back and ask ourselves why we’re doing these “good things.”

I mention this because when we fill our lives with mindless spiritual habits they can unconsciously become a transactional relationship between yourself and God—or yourself and a divine stranger. Almost like trying to drink an empty bottle that you were taught would be full all your life.

Soon, kneeling to pray or attending church services feels like a performance that you start to resent. I want to write reverently and be real with this because I have felt this myself. Performance anxiety in any concept is a real issue many members of Christian communities can go through whether they admit it or not—whether they are aware or not.

Let’s talk about faith. Growing up, we are taught “faith without works is dead.” I unconsciously focused so much on my “performance” of faith that I didn’t think about my relationship with God.

For the longest time, I felt attached to this type of faith I defined for myself—in my teen years, I started to be extremely frightened that if I didn’t perform my faith for my Heavenly Father, I would be abandoned and many of my relationships would fall apart.

Even sometimes as an adult, I feared that if I didn’t attend to my performance for God, I felt this incessant noise in my head that I was not being a “good girl” or I was not worthy of any righteous desires—I felt that because I did not have “perfect attendance” to my prayers or scripture reading (or whatever else), my reward of a healthy marriage in the temple was non-existent.

So, naturally I kept performing and performing.

Until it felt hollow. I became depressed. Burnt out. I didn’t feel like putting anymore effort.

Thanks to therapy, I became more aware that the way I was communicating with God was not out of faith. Instead, I was living through a deal I made with Him—a transactional communication that made works of faith to be works of fear. A vending machine of some sorts. I thought I knew how to live the Gospel but I was still learning.

I strongly believe that God gave me my husband to teach me a higher and holier way of living a life authentic to all my relationships; spiritual and secular. My husband is incredibly transparent and he is not a performer. Before my husband and I started dating, I was so surprised by how honest he was with me about where he stood with God at that moment and how real he was with his imperfections. Seeing that quality in a person was a breath of fresh air.

A part of me still wanted to understand what my soul was going through and what I needed. I mean, knew that God loved me. But I wanted to have a real relationship with Him—one where I showed up authentically, just as I am—imperfect, complaining, and frightened.

One moment, (as I still felt not very ninterested listening to conference), I listened to a Come Follow Me podcast that mentioned one of my favorite talks by Elder Wilcox.

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A BYU student once came to me and asked if we could talk. I said, “Of course. How can I help you?”

She said, “I just don’t get grace.”

I responded, “What is it that you don’t understand?”

She said, “I know I need to do my best and then Jesus does the rest, but I can’t even do my best.”

She then went on to tell me all the things she should be doing because she’s a Mormon that she wasn’t doing.

She continued, “I know that I have to do my part and then Jesus makes up the difference and fills the gap that stands between my part and perfection. But who fills the gap that stands between where I am now and my part?”

She then went on to tell me all the things that she shouldn’t be doing because she’s a Mormon, but she was doing them anyway.

Finally I said, “Jesus doesn’t make up the difference. Jesus makes all the difference. Grace is not about filling gaps. It is about filling us.”

Seeing that she was still confused, I took a piece of paper and drew two dots—one at the top representing God and one at the bottom representing us. I then said, “Go ahead. Draw the line. How much is our part? How much is Christ’s part?”

She went right to the center of the page and began to draw a line. Then, considering what we had been speaking about, she went to the bottom of the page and drew a line just above the bottom dot.

I said, “Wrong.”

She said, “I knew it was higher. I should have just drawn it, because I knew it.”

I said, “No. The truth is, there is no line. Jesus filled the whole space. He paid our debt in full. He didn’t pay it all except for a few coins. He paid it all. It is finished.”

She said, “Right! Like I don’t have to do anything?”

“Oh no,” I said, “you have plenty to do, but it is not to fill that gap. We will all be resurrected. We will all go back to God’s presence. What is left to be determined by our obedience is what kind of body we plan on being resurrected with and how comfortable we plan to be in God’s presence and how long we plan to stay there.”

Christ asks us to show faith in Him, repent, make and keep covenants, receive the Holy Ghost, and endure to the end. By complying, we are not paying the demands of justice—not even the smallest part. Instead, we are showing appreciation for what Jesus Christ did by using it to live a life like His. Justice requires immediate perfection or a punishment when we fall short. Because Jesus took that punishment, He can offer us the chance for ultimate perfection (see Matthew 5:48, 3 Nephi 12:48) and help us reach that goal. He can forgive what justice never could, and He can turn to us now with His own set of requirements (see 2 Nephi 2:7; 3 Nephi 9:20).

— His Grace Is Sufficient by Elder Brad Wilcox

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You too, can learn as I am still learning—that we have a Father in Heaven that wants us to live a full life, filled with joy, and progression.

But we don’t need to perform for Him. In fact, we are not required to perform for anyone. It was never about singing or dancing to earn points from judges and audiences.

The Only One authorized to judge is our Creator, who knows and understands the intents of our hearts.

As I shared my concern with my handsome, authentic husband (he could be reading this) . . . he helped me understand that it is not the limelight of “covenant performing” we are to practice.

Our Good Father only wants to teach us how to walk in the light of His love, through Jesus Christ. A Perfect Love that is kind when we fail, forget, complain, and fall short. A Perfect Love that allows growth in the beauty of seasons and harsh storms.

Because of God’s perfect love, He gave us the gift to choose. He gave us His Son, Jesus Christ who can be our strength in becoming intentional in making and keeping sacred covenants, if we allow Him.

Walking in Covenant Relationship with Christ by Sister Freeman

Have a beautiful week.