I Don't Feel Accepted So I People-Please
A crying writer; editing herself, others—anxiously, apologetically herself
This is something I’m good at. People-pleasing. And it absolutely hurts my neck sometimes, lol. What’s even more suckish (not a word but I was feeling it) is people-pleasing as a striving Christian.
And because this is a topic very near and dear to my heart, and absolutely painful, I feel that I can share this to a more special audience—hello, my paying subs!! I am so, so grateful for you guys and your wonderful, wonderful support. You are very few, and still an absolute sunshine in my creative life.
So I joined a prayer challenge for September that the lovely
provided (thank you Anna!!)—and part of the challenge is to pray for 1 to 2 topics that resonate with you and pick a time (morning and evening for me) to pray for those topics every day for September.Because I can and because I want to share this carefully for holy purposes (thinking it could help someone), I want to tell you one of the things I’m praying for in this challenge. Yes, it’s basically people-pleasing. I’m praying to the Lord to help me accept what I have to offer to the life He gave me and everything in it. To accept me—all the rough, colorful, possibly tacky parts of myself whatever that is.
Why am I praying for this you may ask? Because I’ve been feeling so dang anxious about who I am recently. I am sure that there has been many factors of why I am feeling this way and I can tell you one of them.
Two things, I am highly sensitive to other people’s energy and I love my family. However I also grew up in a not so stable, not very secure household (moved a lot as an innocent young immigrant, strained relationships with some relatives especially during my teen years, and witnessed/experienced separation many times).
Because of these experiences, I felt like I also had to please God in the way I pleased people in my life. Growing up Filipino-American (let alone being a devoted Christian), I felt a lot of pressure about who I am and what I need to offer to those who were watching our family and myself. Keeping the commandments felt like a transactional thing—most of which I felt like if I were obeying God all the time, it means He will make sure I will get what I want. Obviously that’s not how it works, and I cannot deny I’ve had a handful (I mean countless) beautiful spiritual experiences with my Father in Heaven.
I was very shy as a young girl (and I still am quite reserved, for all intents and purposes hehe) and I feel like I disappointed others often because of my temperament. I was very selective with who I share my talents with (and that can be very disappointing to Asian parents who like to show off) and I guess, I felt not accepted when I decided to not share those parts of myself—like I’m never enough no matter I do.
I guess I decided at a very young age that if people get disappointed with my surface parts, how can they accept deeper parts of who I am? And my talents, creativity, real thoughts were those very things; my deeper treasures. These were the things I will not show off. These were mine.
When I started this praying about embracing who I am, I feel like the Lord has been putting me in a couple situations that would test this muscle. I even told the Lord, “Father, I’m scared to pray for this because I don’t know what situations you’ll put me in",” haha.
Well, the Lord put me in these growing situations nonetheless and there was a moment that I felt someone’s expectations heavily about something small. But I knew, I was not able to meet those expectations and Lord knows that I did not have the space to sign their implied contract of expected behaviors from me (no matter how good their intentions were). I apologized and said no. I know, how dare me. I even cringed at the fact that I apologized.
I am learning that people can feel so much love for you but because of their past experiences that we may know little or nothing about, these people can still project false stories on our chapters—and try their best to edit themselves, others, for the sake of living the way they know how. Now, this has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with you, and I am learning that the Lord can give us the gift of meekness and charity to not take these things personally. To exercise our agency to consistently accept the truths only the Lord gives us, and nurture a courage to understand what others may have gone through, including ourselves.
God is teaching me that embracing who I am means not to edit myself and also not to edit others. To trust that He is the Author of our chapters and we can be His creative instruments. To know that not only can He edit, but He can add, enhance, and give a harmonious balance for the plot and our character development, to make it grow in miraculous ways. For us to appreciate the plot twists that make our stories more endearing. For me to express with an honest and true heart of the things He has already written about me—and that all is well because He loves, acknowledges, and completely accepts everything about me, because He is the Maker of my heart.
In my heart, believing in what God tells me about who I am (and who you are) is one of the greatest stories ever told…
should we have the courage to really,
I mean,
really,
truly believe.
“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the assessment that something else is more important than fear.”
―Franklin D. Roosevelt