YouTube Video:
The Truth
Growing up the way I did, I felt as though love is too hard… too difficult to afford or possess. Becoming a wife or even a mother was almost too overwhelming to think about, so I decided not to look forward to any of it for a while.
What I didn’t know is that listening to my needs as a little girl craved these very things. Love — deep love. And if not love, connection. True and long-lasting. Strong and kind.
Hitting a Hard Wall
Never once did I think marriage would be sustainable enough for something I was looking for. During my high school to college years, whenever a romantic relationship would blossom — My anxiety grew too great for me to actually stay committed to a partner.
I couldn’t even manage to stay for two months. Since my parents did not have a stable relationship and eventually divorced, it automatically displayed in my romantic relationships… that overwhelming anxieties and many destructive behaviors “should” be normal.
I was never taught how to repair emotional baggage, let alone communicate feelings I strongly felt, yet never understood. I didn’t consider anything as a valid, healthy example I could hold on to. Or if I did, I doubted all of it and it wouldn’t even matter to me.
Light in the Dark
Then I came to a crashing point.
My feelings became too strong to bear. Much too strong that I felt angry, annoyed, and irritated. I would start big fights out of nothing, only because I took almost every little thing personally.
I felt bitter and excruciatingly alone.
I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety in 2019.
I went through a brief, severe psychosis that led me to drown in countless medications that cost my parents thousands of dollars every month.
My family and I decided I go to a treatment center.
I was there for a couple of months, and those months were filled with screaming nights, pills I hated, alluring life-ending thoughts, several horrifying voices I would hear in crisp clarity, and a great depression that weighed my whole body.
It was too heavy,
and that’s an understatement.
And for Harry Potter fans, I like to think that I experienced one of the three unforgivable curses of the wizarding world. The Cruciatus Curse. Sounds dramatic, but it’s the truth that I can deeply share transparently. Yes, I’m a witch. Kidding.
I shaved my head at the beginning of 2020, and I even had a great friend that shaved her head with me… that was pretty cool. I looked pretty cute too. Here’s a photo.
You’re Welcome Here
After this horrifying experience, I knew right away that I did not want anyone else to experience what I had gone through. Or if they are, I want to help. Whether or not this video is relevant to you, I want to help. I created a video about it. You can share this with a loved one you thought of while watching this.
I’m sure you had your share of hard stuff too.
But this is only a small part of how everything unfolded. It took a couple of years to notice that divine miracles surrounded me all along and that all the things I did NOT want to go through (also almost cost me my life) actually prepared me for what I’ve always wanted,
and what has always been there.
The love of God.
All my love,
Jae Custodio